


you are not alone

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-11 03:33:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11705946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Evan Hansen, most people at school couldn't tell you who that was. Maybe they'd say, "that one quiet kid who's always nervous," but that's about it. It was like he was invisible. Alone. Alone. Alone. At least that's how he felt that one summer. End of May or early June, this terrible, terrible afternoon, he had nobody. And now, well, nobody knows what happened that day.(AKA Evan tells Connor about his suicide attempt)





	you are not alone

**Author's Note:**

> Really wanted to try writing a short dear evan hansen thing, so I hope you enjoy it! I'll be listening to the soundtrack over and over again.

Alone. That's how Evan felt back then. So, so alone that he had no idea how to handle it. Sometimes, he still felt that way. But things were different now. He had...friends, people to turn to. Jared, Alana, Zoe, Connor. Whenever he felt alone, he could go to them. Though they couldn't really make it all go away, they helped. And Evan was getting a little better, or at least that's what he thought, so why did what happened keep coming back to his mind? 

 

Maybe it was the chaotic morning. He’d slept through his alarm and his mom had to wake him up, leaving Evan to run off to school. He was exhausted all day and due to the morning rush, he’d forgotten to take his meds. So maybe it was his heightened anxiety that caused him to think about that day last summer. That terrible, awful day. By now, his cast was gone. That’d been a painful reminder, so Evan was glad for its absence. But that didn't stop him from remembering the sinking feeling in his stomach as he fell through the air. 

 

Evan tried not to let anyone else know of his unease. Putting on a mask wasn't a new concept to him, having to have done it with his mom countless time. He considered himself to be quite a master. So when Connor asked him to come to his house to hang out, Evan obliged. He did want to be with Connor, he enjoyed it. Although, his high anxiety made it challenging, but refusing would've been too suspicious. 

 

He figured the thoughts would disappear by the time he was with Connor, but they refused to go away. The two were watching some cliché movie under a blanket that neither of them really cared for. Evan found his eyes glossing over as he started into nothingness. He remembered the feeling of his fingers slowly opening. The rapid pull of gravity bringing him closer to the ground until the loud thud and the crack in his arm that rippled through his body. Evan shuddered just thinking of it, and he could feel his hands begin to sweat.

 

The touch of Connor’s fingers on Evan’s shoulder jolted him back into reality. “You okay?” Connor questioned, tilting his head slightly and causing part of his hair to fall in front of his eyes.  

 

Evan gulped. “Yeah, just zoned out. That's all.” He faked a smile, but that couldn't stop his racing heartbeat and shaking body. 

 

“Are you sure? Your hands were shaking, your forehead’s sweating, and you were staring into space.” Connor raised an eyebrow.

 

Evan’s thoughts were swimming. The world before him seemed to fade. His hands just became shakier and sweatier and he had no idea what was happening because he was freaking out and his breaths were ragged and oh god what was going on this was all so sudden, why could he only feel that chilling pull as he fell? Evan tried to take deep breaths but he just couldn't focus. He looked away from Connor, afraid looking him in the eyes would just make it worse. 

 

He heard the sound of the movie being paused and then felt Connor’s hands gripping his shoulders, turning Evan’s head. Evan looked downwards, his eyes welling with hot tears. 

 

“Evan, please. Breathe for me,” Connor pleaded. The sound of Connor’s voice calmed Evan a bit, and he took a deep breath. Then another. And another. But the shaking didn't stop. He still felt horrible and afraid. 

 

“C-Connor,” Evan mumbled between ragged breaths. “I’m...I’m sorry.” 

 

Connor removed his hand to place it against his forehead for a moment. “Christ, Evan, what are you sorry for? Please...please tell me what's wrong.” 

 

Evan made a choked up noise. It was like his mouth was forcefully closed. He hadn't told anybody. Not Connor, not Jared, not Alana, not Zoe, not even his mom. Was he really about to tell Connor this? Could he? Evan felt like he wouldn't be able to, but he couldn't keep it in any longer. It was like a terrible secret that was eating him up inside every single day. Someone...someone had to know. But still, he was reluctant.

 

“I-I can't, Connor, please,” Evan stuttered. “You'll...you’ll h-hate me.” 

 

“Evan. I could never hate you. Now,  _ please.  _ I want to help but I can't unless I know what's wrong.” 

 

Evan took a deep breath, although droplets of tears began to spill from his eyes quickly. “L-last summer. You remember how..how I broke my arm?” 

 

Connor nodded. “You fell from a tree.” 

 

“I didn't...I-I didn't fall,” Evan closed his eyes and shook his head, pain overwhelming him. Connor’s grip on his shoulders tightened. “I just, I-I felt so a-alone and like everything didn't matter and that n-nobody...nobody would miss me and I just, I just let g-go. I just let go Connor. I didn't even t-think about it and nobody...nobody knows. I've never told anyone and...and-” He was interrupted by a tight hug from Connor. Evan buried his face in Connor’s shoulder and sobbed, his breaths fast and choked up. He gripped Connor’s hoodie in his hand, finding comfort in the touch. 

 

“It's okay, Evan. It's alright. I don't hate you.” 

 

“B-but, I tried to  _ die _ , Connor. I almost committed suicide.” Evan flew back up and stared at him. “Why don't you think there's something wrong with me?” 

 

“Because dammit, Evan, I’ve felt the same way. I've felt so damn alone and like nobody cared. Hell, sometimes I still feel that way. I tried, Evan. I tried too. I still have the occasional nightmare or panic attack over it. Trust me, you’re not alone in this.” By now, Connor’s eyes were wet too. “Come on, Evan,” he joked. “I have an emotionless reputation to manage.” 

 

Evan couldn’t help but smile. Connor’s fingers wiped away the tears on his cheeks and Evan pulled the taller boy in one last time. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you for saving me.” 

 

Connor froze, obviously confused. Evan decided to continue. “People can't make another person better. Treatment and work and passion can do that. And never really all the way either. I don't think I'll ever be unbroken. But, you..you helped. So, so much. Y-you and Jared and Alana and Zoe. You...you all helped me more than I could e-ever dream of. And who knows. With-without you, I may have...tried again.” 

 

Connor wrapped his hand around and Evan’s and gave it a tight squeeze. “You're not broken. And we’ll always be there for you, okay? But...one thing. Do...do you think you could tell someone else? If you're ready. Like your therapist or your mom. They wouldn't hate you, they’d want to help you. I...want you to get the help you need.” 

 

Evan averted his eyes and took a deep breath. “I-I’ll try, Connor.” He felt another squeeze on his hand. 

 

“That's all that matters to me. And...I'll try to tell you if I ever feel that way again. Gotta practice what you preach right?” 

 

Evan smiled and nodded. “I'm sorry you felt like that too. Maybe...maybe we can both try to get b-better together?” 

 

He loved Connor’s smile, it was scarce and nice to see when it did come up. At that moment, Connor smiled. “I’d like that. So, you wanna finish this shitty movie?” 

 

“Wouldn't be a proper day in if we didn't.” Connor grabbed the remote and pressed play. He pulled the blanket over the two boys and Evan moved closer, a sense of comfort surging through him. Knowing that Connor supported him, even after he told him what was absolutely eating him up inside. Everything was alright. Evan may have been broken on the ground. But later, well, he was found.

 

Dear, Evan Hansen. Today is going to be a good day and here's why. Because you are not alone. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. If you liked it please leave kudos/comments <3 
> 
> tumblr: spqreyna


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